First day to work (training) i guess there will be some kind of excitement *Haha*! Applied mask for my stupid ugly face.. Hoping it will help to make me look better tomorrow. Will be waking up at 6.50am; bathe/makeup/blowhair+tying the bun/look at mirror making sure my clothes matches my shoes.. I shall plan to leave home before 7.50am. I must get out of home earlier so that i can “test and time” the traffic as i’ll be driving to work from tomorrow onwards.

Ok set! After this entry, will go pack my bag and off to bed. Good night lovely~

*suddenly i missed the way how he used to coax me to bed*

Nevertheless, i will work hard for myself, my future and my career!!!! JIAYOU.

Going to SIA to sign my contract with my Dad later. I need to pump petrol for my car, get myself a nice hot coffee and maybe, get some nice working clothes. Hehe!

I’ll work hard; (my current msn nick) and create the kind of life you will be happy to live with all your life.

My out of balance lifestyle led me to a near fatal! My emotional collapse brought me into a spiritual crisis that forced me to confront myself the condition of my life. Hoping to find a balanced lifestyle, i finally knew that i need a “refresher course” for my own self to seek the happiness and fulfillment within myself. And because of this learning experience, i found out that i had been living for ernest more than for myself. My tears, smiles and every thoughts were linked to him. Unconsciously, i was so tired and my energy were drained out. My mind was only able to visualize and function for ernest. It was not his fault but mine, who allowed my thinkings controlled my mind and life.

Finally i realized that it is now time for me to seek for a life with passion, purpose and peace for myself. I need to embark on a “self-mastery” journey to not only make myself a better one, but too.. So that i can live happier! I understood the real meaning of “everything happens for a reason”.

Treating this as a new beginning of my life, i received a gift from God which i have been longing for. I got myself my first, ever full-time job and it is the job which i have been dreaming to be, SIA Stewardess! *Haha* My training will commence on next Wednesday and i am looking forward to it! Right now, my only focus will be my career and as for love life, i have seen it as “if he’s meant to be mine, he’ll and shall be”.

I shall entrust and believe God will arrange the best for me at the right time!

Thanks for all that you have given in the past; and the faces of you whom I loved so much so deep. Maybe some stuffs and matters do not have to last to be beautiful. Though you can never hear it but deep inside I whispered “Goodbye, My Lovely”.

I know I have placed the memories within myself and decided to bring them along to anywhere I go. And I shall always classify them as ‘Gorgeous’. As I go into a new phase of my life, I’ll bring them along while trying to get used to life without the smell of your body; and be happy I hope.

I will too, hide them to the deepest within myself; so that no one will be able to disturb and bother them because they were really so damn beautiful to me that I cannot afford anyone to rob them away. And you know I really will try my very best to move on and find another warmth without anyone knowing that I’ve hidden ‘Gorgeous’.

Please, if you can please quietly support me! I used to listen to only you and this time I really feel so painful that I almost wanted to give up. You know I cannot be strong though I wanted to be so much. I do not need and expect much but just tell me I am doing well! Tell me that I can do it. Please help me, I thought I was better when I can coop everything and control my tears. You will do all and everything to make me happier, so please drive the monsters away which are not delighting me in any way. Please ask them to leave me alone, I was not wrong to love you so please do not ask them to punish me!

Sorry but this time I really failed to control my tears. I will work harder.. JIAYOU!!

I admit I am a crybaby, when things happened.. Crying is the best way to feel better! Maybe it is for certain period, certain stuffs and issues but definitely not for all occasions. It will just make myself look weaker and less independent.

I accepted the fact that I have to move on; not only because for him but too, I really thought through alot during this period. Am i expecting too much? Or is it he is not the one who is willing to do anything for me? I want a relationship not to test out whether we will be happy together or not, but when we decided to be in love and be together, we will do everything to work things out. I learnt alot this time! Not only I know what I want for a guy, but too.. What and where I must improve to be a better woman. It is time I learn to be independent. Maybe friends felt that it is not bad to be dependent on someone you love but this is the woman that I really want to be like.. Independent, strong, will know how to hide her feelings to the most bottom of the heart when she is outside, do not live in the past and know how precious future is, be more understanding and matured too and the list will go on and on.

People questioned me, after i recovered.. Will I accept a new relationship? *Haha* For now, I will say no, firmly! Not because I was so hurt by him but because I know I just want to be alone, do all the stuffs that I will not get to do when I am attached. When I am someone’s girlfriend, my mind will be busy with what should i cook for him, have coffee with him, support and understand him by writing letters and doing little funny, cutie stuffs for him.. Too busy to do ALL the stuffs I want to do! Let this break be a mould-ing period for me, I just want to beautify the areas which I need to improve. Also, I will say after this experience gained.. I will need more time to consider before jumping into a new relationship even if I were to have any crush feelings with that guy *Lol*. If I am confident that I can live on better and happier without the guy, I’ll not choose to be in love with him.

Unconsciously for the past one year plus,  I lost myself; the unique Zi Xin was gone whenever things happened or when argument arose. I even do stuffs like begging him back but each time i forgot that when I was crying bitterly, he was never there for me, his calls or sms were never there.  Each time when i was crying bitterly for him, it was so painful but he would still be gaming with his friends and sleeping after the games. Yes, because he felt that he had no wrong thus, there were not any need for him to ask for my return. Rather than sinking in sorrow and keep thinking about the past and how loving we used to be, why not accept the fact that he will not be the one for me.. Maybe I was not as understanding then, maybe he was not as great as to be able to understand how I felt too but we clearly know that none of us were wrong to fall in love. Just that, we both used our own selfish way to love one another.

Since we understood that, we should be happy as we can still be friends. I believed while time is healing our pain, we will always be praying for each other to be happier!

I am still feeling the pain, especially when i woke up and opened my eyes.. I felt lonely and still not used when no one greets me good morning, urges me to eat and wakes me up for work etc. Still, I am trying hard to control my pain and tears. Well, not necessary all good things will be lasting and be thankful for all the good times I had gained; packed and stored the good times in my memory and move on to adopt life without him.

It was and till now, it is tough! But thanks to all my friends who were always there for me. Despite being busy, they will not fail to give me a call or drop me a message to make sure I am feeling better. Whenever I am feeling really down, they will always be there to support and tell me that I can endure this tough period. They always wish to see me being happy and constantly reminding me not to give up and look back. They are the ones who will never call me a crybaby when I cried. They are the only ones who will not insult and scold me. They are the only ones who will never give me up and leave me. Thanks to them, their support is really very crucial to me right now. I really appreciate them so much! Thanks guys

I will try and must be, doing well and strong even if I lost him. JIAYOU!

please do not worry i will try my best to be strong and not let other people around me to worry about me. as for all the promises he said to me before, take it as that was his nice way to pamper me. do not blame him as we were never wrong to be in love. though i admit i felt so much of “un-wanting” to let go of this love that i put in so much efforts and love.. this is just parts and parcels of life isn’t it?

for now, i will try my best not to blog about him at all. and hopefully i can! i will not starve myself and lose sleep. i will not live in the past and try to move on as life still has to go on even without him. meantime, i really hope that he will be doing well too.  hope that he smiles everyday! *Haha*

JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU!!

thanks to angeline, hannah, jasmine, laiyew, weixiong, weiloon, sueann and all the people who are supporting me. i am glad that i know at least i still have you guys. thank you!

of course, the biggest thanks i would like to say is my mother. she has been worrying alot for me too.

date me out, ask me out.
i love myself!
i will learn to be a better person, more independent, matured mentality.. etc
JIAYOU!

though i was so upset. when he needed me, he said and promised everything but when he was feeling sick and tired, he could not afford to look back at our love and efforts to work things out. i did not blame him at all. still, i controlled my pain and texted him that i really hope for both of us to be happy and i was happy for at least we knew that we really loved each other so much and we were so happy then. though i felt insulted, i still acted strong and asked to be friends. i really know i want both of us to be happy and since he felt that i do not have the ability to, i should listen to him and move on right?

laiyew texted me and told me something that is really very true. i should not go so low for anyone and i did try to salvage the relationship. and he wished to work things out, he would do something about it. so is he telling me it is obvious that my begging and pleading is useless?

since leaving him is something i can do to make him happy, i said i love him.. so i should want him to be happy right? at least i know we did love each other deeply before and we were once very happy together right? well..

though it is tough and painful but i believe God chooses to let me see that he is not the man of my life through this way. God allows me to see how cruel he can be to me and how he hurt me just to make me realize he is a good man but not the man whom i have been looking for.

i wlll be stong. JIAYOU!!

i decided to not give up Ernest and our love anymore. since i know what i want and what i think is the best for me, shouldn’t i try to get it with all my might?

i finally understood everything.
Ernest wants his space and trust from me, so that he can do what he wants without worrying and me to be dependent so that he can set his mind and heart to achieve the goals in his heart. Ernest loves me to be happy but i chose to be selfish in the past.. i loved myself so much that i only can think that only when he is there for me means he loves me. i forgot to remind myself that quality is much more important to quantity. Ernest always give me his everything and the best but i was never contented. yes he did not buy me rings and jewels but he hugged and kissed me to show me how much he loved me. he did not plan romantic dinner but he sang all the songs for me to tell me how much he loved me. he did not feel angry when i made mistakes as he felt that i was the girl who he should tolerate and he felt worth it doing that. but i only blame him for not coaxing and coming after me whenever i was upset. the list goes on and on.. i was too childish and i finally realized what is the most important thing in relationship. is not saying only ‘i love you’ but is to use your heart to treat your partner so that he receives the best from you.

of course, there were really times when Ernest made me felt unhappy. but to me, those unhappiness could never cover up the amount of happiness and love he gave me. people out there reading must be laughing where is there such a person who is so nice? to me, Ernest was and will always be. i finally learn how to appreciate him and be contented of how much he had been giving to me. and because of being so so happy with him around, i have already start to love his bad habits which i think, is far more easy to be counted compared to the tons of flaws within myself, attitude, mind set and character. Ernest is the one who made me see how ugly i have always been..

Though i felt so sorry, guilty towards the guy who had always love me so much.. I think i really hurt him quite deep that was why he only replied that i realized everything late, and he was not prepared to give me another chance. it is very saddening to see that message but i will not give up. yes, he is angry, he is mad but i know he loves me. today cannot forgive me, then i will wait and not give up. i really ask for him to give me a chance to show him how sincere and how sorry i am towards everything.

i am confident that i will not be the same and though i am ashamed of how selfish i was in the past, i am happy that at least i am brave enough to accept my flaws and improve on them. regardless of how painful and tough to make him forgive me, i will work super hard. because he is the only guy who has never lied to me about anything. i may be naive to still carry so much hopes for a man who gives me up. but no matter how hard he forces me to leave, and himself to stop loving me, the feelings and love cannot be forced. feelings are not that easy to be developed unless with the right person. and it will same, not be easy to be demolished as and when you want it to be.

be it right now, not a single one is supporting my act right now but i know this is what i really want and he is the only man who can make me happy for life. yes i am only twenty years old.. still a long way, but at this moment in my life, i know i will regret if i let him go. and i promise myself, if i still cannot change and go back to my old selfish me.. i will pack and go out of my own will! of course, i understand only if can forgive me then i can show him that i am sincere to change not for him, but for myself and the love that i hold on to tightly. may i pray for a miracle to happen? may i ask for something or someone who can support me so that i will not feel lonely?

last buy not least, i will never give up no matter how Ernest rejected me. JIAYOU!!

Last night I went out to have dinner with Wei Xiong. He was very nice to talk to me, tell me what was wrong, made me cry out so that I would feel better. But everywhere i went to, remained me of Ernest! Like Changi Village, we just went weeks ago. Before that Wei Xiong suggested Katong but i just cannot even think of that place as I could not even brave up myself to go there. Wei Xiong said i was running away from things which would not be useful to me. But what else can i do? I really just cannot stop thinking about him.

10am Has Ernest wake up for work? Who’s driving him there or is he going to take train?
11am He shoulg be reaching soon, eaten breakfast?
3pm Lunch already, hot weather has he drank lotsa water?
7pm Finishing work soon right?
8pm Is he with his friends dota dinner or at home? Is anyone being there for him? Is he going through what I am going through?
Even before i sleep, will he sleep well?

I have been self-blaming myself for days. But believe me that I never meant to hurt Ernest and each time he was upset, I felt hundred times more painful than him. Each time my attitude made him cried, I felt so guilty. I know I need to change.. For myself, and for myself to win him back.

I am really going mad like this. Can anyone help me? PLEASE. In front of my family, i acted strong.. *Sigh*

I know what a person needs to do when he is going through pain but when it comes to me, I just cannot do what I know I had to do. People asked me to let go and just endure and be strong but I am just so stubborn to tell myself that I will change to be a better girl before I go get him back.

That was what i did, i sms-ed Ernest all this..
He did not reply at all yet but i really want to change for myself and him, and i sincerely want to be a burden free to him. I want to be the one there when he is striving out his career and studies. Stupid right? I do not even know if he will wait for me.. But i stupidly believed his promises till now. This one year, he had never lied to me. He hates me to lie to him, so he would not have lied to me by telling me, “he will wait for me, guide me along my mistakes, love me, marry me, make me happy, never leave me etc”.. I know this sounded stupid, but this is the only factor to motivate me to not give Ernest up. We were supposed to have breakfast this coming Saturday at Gourmet Plus. But it is okay, we will postpone it till the day I am a better person then we can have it. JIAYOU!

It is tough to go through all this, but at least I know no matter what, I loved Ernest, and I’ll always love him. JIAYOU!

Regardless of why and how things became like this is no longer an important issue as I believed it was the most perfect choice for me and him. I never regretted being with him and though it was only for a short duration – one year, I really enjoyed the good times we had together. I believed he did too. Well, I really want to thank God for letting him came into my life. Though he left as a lover, I am grateful that God allowed me to meet him.

Ernest let me tasted the life of being loved.
He showed me how to love someone without expecting any returns, love someone even when he hurt you so deep, love someone means to forgive his mistakes, love someone means you use your heart to feel how your partner loves and does everything for you.
Most importantly, he taught me that if I love someone, I’ll do whatever it takes me to, to not only make him happy but happier!

That is why I let him go.
Never blame him or guess who was the one at fault was as we were never wrong to love one another in our own way. It’s just that the ways and methods we used to love for one another are not that suitable that was why we parted. We parted not because we do not have any more love but it is purely because we loved each other so much so deep. We had no choice but to make the most perfect choice – which is to end the love journey as both he and I had more important things to pursue. Deep down inside, we really wish for the best for one another and when we never lied when we say “I love seeing him/her smiling happily”. I know we meant it!

There is still some kind of “unwillingness to part” within me.. But I know time will heal my pains and wounds. The world is not going to stop for anybody and I have myself to depend on. This is the best time to make me a stronger and independent person. Humans tend to look on the negative side but forsake the part that we had loved him so much, it is completely nothing to endure this pain.

Yes I cried – like hell like shit like raining cats and dogs not because I lost him. I have never lost him just that his status in my heart from a lover had changed to a friend. I know that I do not treasure someone hating or blaming myself or him but I treasure him in my heart and keep it in my memory. Thanks to him, I managed to become what I always wanted to be. In life, there will be losses and gains – it is parts and parcels of life. I cried but I know I have to endure and move on. I know it is tough but I believe time will heal me, God will assist me and I will become a better person.

Dear all, there is no such thing as you cannot let him go! We live not only for relationships. We live because of our parents, studies, career, passion, hope and future. I might have failed in being a great girlfriend to Ernest but I’ll become a better friend to him. Jiayou!

If you happened to be reading this, do not pity me at all as Ernest had always treated me well. He gave me the best he could and loved me with all his might. I hearby thank him for coming into my life and if I did hurt him in any way, may he forgives me with his great compassion.